Yesterday, SDSU athletics sent out a perfectly harmless tweet to promote a perfectly lovely player profile on running back/return man dynamo Rashaad Penny. This tweet contained a pun.
Can we, the jackanapes of Aztecs Twitter, allow such a thing to stand without our ritual tossing of scat? No sir, we cannot.
Well, we’re certainly not wasting our lives.
Look, we must face the fact that Penny is an incredibly gifted playmaker who is on the verge of a breakout junior year and, as such, we’re going to read a lot more about him. Most of those things will be written by middle-aged white dudes, and that can only mean one thing.
IT’S TIME FOR PENNY PUNS, EVERYBODY!
Here at Kabeer Thirty, we aim to serve. We realize many web editors and headline writers deal with tight deadlines and can’t let crucial minutes tick away while they try to think up a Penny pun all their own. Which is why we are proud to present this comprehensive list of Penny-pun headlines. You have our permission to use any of the below puns you wish, provided your publication offers proper attribution (if you don’t we will sue your ass, I swear to god).
For your convenience, we have broken these puns up into three handy categories:
Penny is a type of money LOL
Say, did you notice that Penny, in addition to being the surname of one of our favorite Aztec student-athletes, is also a type of currency? It’s true! This is one of the very building blocks of comedy, folks.
- Standout kick returner proving to be worth every Penny
- Penny as All-American selection makes a lot of cents
- No change atop the MWC standings if Penny has his say
- Aztecs offense has no plans to take Penny out of circulation
- Penny Heisman hype helping SDSU make record coin at the gate
- Patriots reach for take-a-Penny tray with second-round selection
Incorporating other types of coinage
People often forget that while all pennies are coins, not all coins are pennies. And there are many types of coins that also make for truly wonderful puns!
- Penny steps up in final quarter as Aztecs pocket another win
- Emergence of Penny means Aztecs won’t have a nickel and dime offense
- More like Rashaad Dollar: Penny goes for a hundred on opening kick
- Penny makes Boise State defense look as useless as Canadian quarters at the laundromat and how the fuck did I even end up with all of these anyway I only went to Montreal once and that was like four years ago fucking shit
Non-monetary penny references
Real heroes try to think outside the box when trying to come up with a pun. After all, as following the NCAA constantly reminds us, money isn’t everything. Pro tip: The word “Penny” can also refer to people and things that are not money. Caution: This should only be attempted by master-class dads with New Balances, curved-brim caps and cell phone belt holsters.
- This Penny is no loafer in the backfield
- Clown coaches need to get Penny-wise and not kick to killer Aztec
- Penny Dreadful? Not in dominant 100-yard effort vs. UNLV
- Penny solves Utah State defense, much like Penny in the Inspector Gadget cartoon solved all the cases along with that dumb yellow dog whose name I don’t remember
Any crucial Penny puns we missed? Please add them to the comments below*.
*Note: Comments left below become sole property of Kabeer Thirty LLC and may not be used in any other public forum without attribution.