Aztecs football season starts this week, and it’s time to start working ourselves up! It’s easier when you hate your opponent, right? We here at Kabeer Thirty love nothing more than to give a quick (figurative) kick to the junk followed by a tearful sprint in the opposite direction, but there’s a lot of hatred in this world. How about we try a different approach this season? Let’s systematically kill them with kindness!
A benevolent breakdown of SDSU’s 2016 foes:
Week 1 (Sept. 3) vs. New Hampshire Wildcats
They just seem nice, you know? I’ve never met someone from New Hampshire who didn’t seem nice. Maybe they weren’t nice, but I wouldn’t know because I’m petrified by the thought of interacting with people on a meaningful level. They seemed nice, though. And how can you hate anyone banal enough to call their team the “Wildcats?” No rocking the boat, like riding out being named “Bob.” Live free or die, or whatever.
Week 2 (Sept. 10) vs. California Golden Bears
Good ol’ Cal Berkeley. They used to have a naked guy on campus! And Marshawn Lynch is an alum, so you can’t really hate them. Also, they have a hill adjacent to Memorial Stadium where students watch the game for free, which they call “Tightwad Hill.” How can you hate THAT? Shit, this is all unraveling in the second week … uh … patchouli oil? Hippies? No, that’s tired. Shit. I….
Week 3 (Sept. 17) at Northern Illinois Huskies
San Diegans might be excited to learn that the highest draft pick ever to come out of Northern Illinois was taken 16th in the 1st round of the 2009 NFL draft. His name is Larry English!
Week 4 (Sept. 24) BYE
A conspiracy to keep the Aztecs from going 4-0 in September. We hope. Let’s not be too arrogant.
Week 5 (Oct. 1) at South Alabama Jaguars
I’ll tell you one great thing about South Alabama; I’ve been to Central Alabama, and I’ve been to North Alabama, but I have never been to South Alabama.
Week 6 (Oct. 8) vs. UNLV Rebels
The turf at Sam Boyd Stadium looks like a table game. They literally made it look like a card/craps/whatever table. Isn’t that neat? And, one time, David Hasselhoff sang the national anthem at Sam Boyd Stadium. It also used to be home to CFL and XFL squads. I don’t really know where I’m going with this, because this game is being played at Qualcomm Stadium, a majestic edifice.
Week 7 (Oct. 14) at Fresno State Bulldogs
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Week 8 (Oct. 21) vs. San Jose State Spartans
San Jose State alumnus Joey Chestnut is the nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time, nine time Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest champion. Also, the guy who invented The Wave is a Spartan.
Week 9 (Oct. 28) at Utah State Aggies
The 1972 Los Angeles Rams featured Aztec For Life Fred Dryer and Aggie Merlin Olsen. Both gentlemen went on to be actors; Dryer starred in your uncle’s favorite TV series Hunter, while Olsen became a late-season stalwart on your uncle’s second-favorite series, Little House On The Prairie. There’s a lot we have in common. Isn’t it great?
Week 10 (Nov. 5) vs. Hawai’i Rainbow Warriors
The Rainbows, or Warriors, or Rainbow Warriors, used to have awesome uniforms. Now, they have uniforms that look like they went through the EA Sports NCAA Football Create-A-School. Seriously, the throwback version they occasionally wear is one of the best uniforms in the country. Stick with it. I don’t know how to convey that I’m being serious here, other than to say, “This is the one with genuine praise of our opponent.” My cover is blown. Love those uniforms. Sorry.
Week 11 (Nov. 12) at Nevada Wolf Pack
Reno’s a great place to visit if Vegas is too wild, and Laughlin is out of the question because you’re under 60. Washoe, the first chimpanzee to learn American Sign Language, attended Nevada before transferring to Oklahoma.
Week 12 (Nov. 19) at Wyoming Cowboys
It’s not every school that requires flying into one city, taking a puddle-jumper, literally hitch-hiking through a mountain pass and catching a Greyhound bus to get into town, but you have to hand it to Wyoming for having a sense of adventure.
Week 13 (Nov. 26) vs. Colorado State Rams
Colorado State’s logo looks like the logo for a real estate company, or a company that makes mid-tier socks. Not quite Hanes, but not quite fancy running socks with arch support. Definitely not those Stance socks with Tony Gwynn on them. Mid-tier, solidly. Which is fine. They should be proud of it.
It’s my hope that we can foster a positive relationship with our opponents, emerge victorious, and then host the Mountain West championship game on Dec. 3. That would be neat, wouldn’t it?
LAST RESORT!!!
KABEER THIRTY 