Wait, who are we playing?
The New Hampshire … uh … (toggles over to Google) … Wildcats. The University of New Hampshire Wildcats from the Colonial Athletic Association. This is the first game of the season for both teams. It’s also the KGB SkyShow, making this the last game of the season for about half the fans in attendance. Say, did you know that New Hampshire is where Massholes and Mainers go to buy fireworks legally? That’s an interesting coincidence, right? Fireworks are fun go boom!
Why should we be scared of them?
I can think of about three reasons off the top of my head. Plus, the Wildcats are a pretty good FCS program, making the playoffs for 12 consecutive seasons. OK last year they got trounced by San Jose State, but let’s not give the Wildcats too much grief for losing to a non-Division I opponent. Anyone can have a bad day.
Do they have anyone worth watching?
Possibly for LULZ, I suppose. Sophomore QB Trevor Knight has thrown 19 passes in his career. His first start is against Rocky Long’s veteran-studded 3-3-5 defense. It could be, uh, interesting to see how he handles it. It looks like he can run a little, at least. He’ll probably need to.
Why should we hate them?
Good lord, this might be the most boring large university in the nation. I scanned New Hampshire’s Wikipedia page and nearly fell asleep. I mean …
There is also a Dairy Club for people interested in dairy cows and learning more about them.
Wow, no shit? Out of desperation, I searched “University of New Hampshire controversy” and all I found was some free-speech debate stuff and some questionable use of funds from, like, nine years ago. Their football team is boring. Their generic mascot is boring. Their entire damn state is boring. It’s basically just Massachusetts if all of Boston, Cambridge and Brookline fell into the Atlantic and nobody had to wear their seatbelt. Can we hate people for being boring? I dunno man, my heart’s just not in it.
Do they have any famous alumni we can make fun of?
That really depends on your definition of famous. Let’s see, notable alumni include filmmaker John Irving and football coach George O’Leary, both renowned for their astounding works of fiction. Also Chip Kelly, whose only friends are of the imaginary variety. Hey, I’m sensing a theme here! As far as notable football players go, they have a pretty sad list of NFL alumni, though they did have a dude drafted by the Cowboys named Scott Sicko, which is a pretty 100 name TBH. He’s probably made up too.
Will we beat them?
I never take anything for granted and as you know, on any given Saturday truly anything can happen. But yes. Obviously. We will beat the shit out of this fictitious-ass team. Enjoy the fireworks. Say, were you aware our friends from New Hampshire can enjoy fireworks year-round? True story!
KABEER THIRTY 