New Year’s Resolutions for the Mountain West

The New Year is upon it, and with it comes a renewed sense optimism for all – even members of the Mountain West Conference. Well, everyone except San Jose State.

Poor, sad, pathetic, idiot San Jose State.

But there’s hope for the rest of us! Here are the New Year’s Resolutions for 2017 from around the Mountain West.

Fresno State
Beat an FBS opponent. I feel like we were too caught up in our own success of late and we have not focused enough on the fact that FRESNO STATE IS THE ONLY FBS TEAM TO NOT RECORD A SINGLE WIN AGAINST ANOTHER FBS TEAM THIS YEAR. That is both hilarious and delightful. I don’t know, maybe 2016 is actually good.

Utah State
Create and popularize their own unique chants so they can stop stealing everything they do from The Show. I watched a game last night and I saw them rhythmically collide their hands together to create a sharp slapping noise. A “clap”, if you will. SMH, another example of appropriating The Show’s original ideas.

San Jose State
Just, shit, I don’t even know. You’re like a very old pet that needs to be put out of its misery but mom (Craig Thompson) adopted you because you were the saddest little thing left at the pound without a home. I guess, stay alive for another year is the goal here? Sure. Go Spartans.

Boise State
Win a goddamn division title. In the four years since the MWC switched to the two-division format, Boise has only made the championship game once, where they got to beat a Fresno State team that finished the season two games under .500. They’ve also lost three straight games to Air Force because apparently the triple option to them is like a Rubix Cube, which is especially difficult because they are all colorblind to everything except blue (Meanwhile this is Rocky Long when facing a triple option).

Colorado State – Get a new logo. One that doesn’t look like it’s for the second-nicest country club in Pueblo.

csu-logo

Local credit union ass logo.

UNLV
Jesus, where do we begin? I mean, fuck. Your basketball team isn’t even fun to make fun of anymore. Remembering when you losing to Dixie State was notable? #UNLVLostTwitter used to mean something in my day. These damn millennials wouldn’t understand.

Wyoming
Maybe practice outside once in a while instead of your fancy little indoor practice facility/tea party house in Laramie. Then next time you come to San Diego for a bowl game and have to deal with a little bit of rain, you won’t just vomit incompetence all over yourself and hand BYU another win at Qualcomm. God, Wyoming is so soft. So glad I live in San Diego where we don’t tolerate that kind of thing.

Hawai’i
Hey look at that, Hawai’i was kinda/sorta decent this year. They finished 7-7 and in second place in the West Division. Of course they got bodied by SDSU 55-0, but good for them! It would be nice to have another team actually compete for our division title next year. We’re rooting for ya, ‘Bows!*

*Unless you actually challenge us at all in which case: fuck you, you poi-eating, SPAM-worshiping assholes. We will not hesitate to send you back to the WAC where YOU BELONG.

Nevada
I have nothing of interest to say about Nevada. At least SJSU is notable for being terrible at everything. You’re somehow even less relevant than that.

Air Force
Man, could you guys just keep beating Boise? Because it’s really funny and cool and makes us happy.

New Mexico – Holy hell New Mexico football won 9 games this year you guys! And they’ve won seven out of their last eight, with the only loss in that stretch coming from Colorado State (Which, ahem, happens to the best of us). Maybe the men’s basketball team will build off this momentum and it will finally be the year you make a Sweet Sixt-HAHAHAHAHAHA just kidding, eat shit Lobos.

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Author: AttemptedChem

Former member of The Show. Current Showlumni podcaster. Forever defeater of Kawhi Leonard at beer pong.

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