Wait, did you really think the K30 braintrust would let 2016 pass without a self-indulgent listicle to highlight how witty and irreverent and SUPER CLEVER we are? Y’all got a lot to learn.
This dumb website launched in August, and since then we have written countless bon mots for you, our lucky readers. Let’s re-live the year in Aztec sports with a few of our most poignant/offensive lines!
On August 8, I opened a new era in SDSU sports blogging mediocrity excellence with a post about polls where I said this about Rocky Long:
In general, Rocky gives off a “pretty OK stepdad you could learn to live with once you get to know him” vibe. Other football coaches? That relationship is probably going to end with you lighting his PT Cruiser on fire in the driveway.
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On August 11, jodes0405 reminisced about camping out in Fisherville before the brutal home Jimmering of 2011. In the process, she captured something kind of profound and essential.
… going through all of that only to experience the loss of the ensuing game was kind of a microcosm of my entire experience as an Aztecs fan, and a San Diego sports fan in general: lots of waiting around without going anywhere and being disappointed in the results – and sometimes just feeling like we’re being rained on.
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On August 23, we interviewed comedy writer and former Aztecs pitcher Justin Halpern and asked him about his most San Diego Statey experience.
It was 3 a.m. and I saw a dude in only board shorts finger banging a girl behind Los Panchos and he was holding a burrito with his non-finger banging hand. That should basically replace the Aztecs’ current mascot.
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On August 25, I argued why – despite grander football hopes – winning the MWC Championship should count as a good season.
Championship banners are good and it is my position that SDSU should have more of them. In an ideal world, football would win so many titles that the Aztecs’ social media interns would be compelled to add #Win69 on all their tweets.
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On August 29, vocalminoritysdsu offered his first of SEVERAL takes on Colorado State’s logo.
Colorado State’s logo looks like the logo for a real estate company, or a company that makes mid-tier socks. Not quite Hanes, but not quite fancy running socks with arch support. Definitely not those Stance socks with Tony Gwynn on them. Mid-tier, solidly. Which is fine. They should be proud of it.
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On September 3, lemonverbena deconstructed a SkyShow Yelp review, though not before dropping this truth bomb.
For the more jaded among us, the biggest utility of this event is the ease of getting out of the parking lot after the game while all you basic motherfuckers gape and gawk at fireworks. If you’re anywhere near Mission Valley you’ll experience it anyway; when I hopped on the 15 South after the USD game last year it sounded like Beirut ’82.
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Later on September 3, the Aztecs defeated the New Hampshire Militia in the opener. My battlefield dispatch:
It’s admittedly tough for a team from the Colonial Athletic Conference, made up of mostly extras from Revolutionary War reenactments, to deal with Rocky Long’s 3-3-5 defense. They see the blitzing linebacker coming from one side, train their muskets and fire. POW! But it was misdirection, egad! When the penetration comes from another angle entirely, they’re left to frantically pack their powder and musketballs, and by the time they’re ready to aim and squeeze off another shot, it’s too late. Sad!
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On September 8, the men’s basketball schedule was released and I has this to say about our Diamond Head matchup with Southern Miss.
We last played these guys in Alaska, now we get them in Hawai’i. Fun fact: in the year it currently is in Mississippi, neither Alaska or Hawai’i have achieved statehood yet.
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On September 13, Jodes0405 gave us the view from the stands from the Aztecs’ transcendent win over Cal.
After that it was kind of a blur. I remember singing the fight song after the game ended. I remember the family behind me being real sulky, almost making me feel sorry for them. But the gravity of what I had just witnessed kicked in again and I just kept saying over and over, We beat Cal. Dude, WE BEAT CAL.
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On September 19, AttemptedChem filed this report from DeKalb where he soaked in the liquor Aztecs’ win over Northern Illinois.
We arrived at NIU to find a fairly impressive tailgating scene. It’s still weird for me to see tailgating on grass. I realize this is how the rest of the college football world does it, but I’ll take my slab of decaying black asphalt caked with decades of vomit, tears and blood from post-Chargers game fights thank you very much.
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On September 28, AttemptedChem dissected the various types of SDSU fans, including someone named Mr. AztecMesa who sounds p. cool tbh.
He enjoys no part of SDSU sports or being a fan. He comes to these games exclusively to boo our own players for any turnover, missed shot, display of emotion or general existence. Occasionally he’ll mix it up and scream at the ref or turn to someone near him to call a player a thug. He regularly leaves with 4 minutes remaining in the game after grumbling “act like you give a damn!” for 90 minutes.
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On September 30, we prepared for SURE VICTORY against South Alabama as vocalminoritysdsu provided this critique.
USA Jaguars sounds like a car club for middle-aged bros. They get together to drive around back roads, then take up all of the parking at the Sizzler in Murrieta Hot Springs so they can all go inside, eat cheese bread and talk about how great it was to drive around Temecula that afternoon. Makes me sick.
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On October 1, that game happened. How did it go? Wellll let me tell you.
kjvfjuvfdjkhvdkjnbdkjdfbkjvdnvfjnfdkjnvkjvkjnvd OH MY GOD I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS BULLSHIT HAPPENED AGAIN!!! Why do we allow this team into our lives when we know it will only bring suffering? Why do we let SPORTS dictate our happiness? Why don’t I quit my job and disappear into the woods to subsist off a diet of berries, tubers and grubs (you know, again)?
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It got better! On October 15, after Donnel Pumphrey ran all over the Bulldogs, I noted the sad descent of Fresno State football.
I mean, it’s cool to retain the Oil Can and all, but it would be nice if we didn’t need to reach into a flaming dumpster to get our hands on it. Get it together, Bulldogs.
Also on October 15, our own lemonverbena was among the first to make note of a looming rushing record discrepancy. Journalism!
Wisconsin played in bowls every year from 1996-99, and Dayne rushed for 728 yards on 105 carries in the Copper Bowl, the Outback Bowl and two Rose Bowls. Unofficially. That’s crazy! And stupid.* And a bit of a problem.
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On October 20, vocalminoritysdsu informed you of the culinary atrocity wrought by our next opponent.
Daniel Scoggin, Spartan alum, is the founder of T.G.I. Friday’s! The best thing about T.G.I. Friday’s is that Harry Anderson from Night Court was once their spokesman. If an old gas station, a grocery store’s frozen food section and a Trump rally had a baby, it would be T.G.I. Friday’s.
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On October 22, after the Aztecs crushed SJSU, I brought a damn cool fact to light for the first time. Say, did I mention that we are a very SIGNIFICANT AND OBSERVANT blog?
At their current averages, Penny would finish with 904 yards and Pumphrey 2,492. The possibility of the Aztecs having a 2,000 rusher and a 1,000 rusher on the same roster is actually kinda realistic. That’s something that’s pretty rare in college football history. Rare in that it has never happened before ever.
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On October 25, AttemptedChem ranked hoops road trip destinations and had this to say about The Pit.
But this is the last regular season game of the year and the Lobos will be locking up that play-in game against San Jose State. Sure you’ll still probably get shanked with a screwdriver and urinated on, but it’s just not the same in a mostly-empty arena.
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In-between these things the baseball men played a World Series, and I confronted some uncomfortable cultural blind spots.
The kind of shameful shit happening in the stands of Progressive Field, and the absurd continued existence of the Chief Wahoo logo, puts more pressure on any sportsball team that still appropriates an indigenous name or image. You can already see the wheels in motion at MLB, rightfully so given the embarrassment the league is enduring nightly in Cleveland. If some idiot or idiots dresses up in redface or Aztec regalia, we’ll absolutely fucking deserve our re-brand as the San Diego State Surf Warriors or whatever.
Want to remain the San Diego State Aztecs? Be respectful. Don’t be an idiot.
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On October 28, vocalminoritysdsu raised more shitty restaurant issues relating to an opponent, as per his #brand.
Chuck E. Cheese’s is amazing for the fact that you’re able to experience the feeling of being surrounded by vomit, feces, urine, rotting food and an environment ideal for growing staph and MRSA – and all of that is BEFORE you actually decide to enter the ball pit (where all of these things are literal).
SDSU went on to crush the Aggies and I gleefully went with the Admiral Ackbar meme.
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On November 15, after the Aztecs hoops team had scored 69 in a win over USD and immediately allowed 69 in a loss to Gonzaga, the significance of this start was not lost on lemonverbena.
Millenials love 69! Our student-athletes will learn that niceing is one thing and getting niced is another, less desirable thing. Be nice. Don’t get niced.
Speaking of not nice, on November 19 lemonverbena offered this assessment of the Aztecs’ first football loss in conference, which occurred on a failed two-point conversion after completing a goddamn HAIL MARY.
That was the ‘American Pie’ sequel accidental cum consumption scene of Aztec football moments.
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On November 25, vocalminoritysdsu was seething over that shitty Colorado State logo again.
I’ve always hated it. It irritates me on a visceral level. It’s like the logo of a managed health care plan.
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The Colorado State game on November 27 didn’t go particularly well, with 63 points on the field and torrents of rainwater dumping out of the upper deck. I documented the good times.
Uh … any chance San Diego can raise the TOT tax to pay for a couple of rolls of Brawny?
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On December 3, the hoops team’s encouraging 4-1 start was spoiled by Loyola Chicago. I broke it down thusly.
It probably would have helped if Zylan Cheatham and Malik Pope hadn’t spend the first 30 minutes of this game riding the Ferris wheel at Navy Pier, but whatever. They’ve got some good kettle corn and family-friendly attractions down there, so it’s understandable.
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But also on December 3, our pain was quickly soothed by the football team’s CHAMPIONSHIP as lemonverbena so eloquently summarized in his epic lede (sportswriter term!).
Last week against Colorado State, the Aztecs came out and sank into the storm-drenched Qualcomm Stadium turf. Maybe it was a hangover from the loss at WYO the week prior, maybe they weren’t physically ready for bad weather at home, maybe it was demoralizing to come out on Senior Night to a sparse crowd huddling under the eaves.
Whatever it was, they got thoroughly destroyed by the Rams. AKH and myself left in the 3rd quarter, something I’ve never done before, driving home bewildered and trying to piece together what happened to the season that once carried such lofty hopes.
It was hard to imagine that this Instant Classic and a 2nd straight Mountain West championship were coming a week later in Laramie. And yet here we are. For all its heartbreaks, this San Diego State football team is one of the most successful in school history.
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On December 5, the fucks who decide the Heisman decided they couldn’t let us bask for more than two damn days in moderate happiness. D.J. was not a finalist and I was a bit pissed.
The worst thing about college football is how, if you root for a Group of Five school, you get reminded in a million tiny ways every single week that the team you root for does not matter at all.
- Even if your team goes undefeated, it has no shot at the playoff and we all know it. It will be relegated to the Access Bowl, the tasty table scrap that the Power Five was nice enough not to feed to the dog. Unless … unless we are the dog? Aw shit.
- The announcers on your nationally televised game, no matter how big a game for your school, will spend half the telecast talking about the big tilt earlier between Power Five State and TV Contract A&M.
- And even when it comes to stupid, meaningless awards, being obviously one of the Top 5 college players in the nation isn’t enough to get a damn sniff.
God, college football is just the worst.
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On December 7, hoops lost to Grand Canyon again, sparking lemonverbena to go off on Kabeer Thirty’s Rant of the Year.
What I’m saying is: fuck Grand Canyon and that deafening Logan’s Run scream room they play in. The front row of their student section were dressed like highway workers, or really are highway workers that are on some Baptist crusade, I don’t know and I don’t want to know. Please never schedule this team again.
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On December 8, AttemptedChem continued our week of rants by taking the Rocky haterz to task.
So for the anti-Rocky crowd, how are you OK with rolling the dice every few years? Your best case scenario is the next Tom Herman for three seasons before he jumps ship and you’re just as likely to wind up with Chuck Long 2.0. You’re basically saying that if you can’t be Alabama, we might as well be San Jose State. That’s some Ricky Bobby shit by which can not abide.
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On December 10, the Aztecs hoops team got run out of Viejas by Arizona State and I was … less than amused.
For the hoops team, the next 22 games are now essentially glorified exhibitions, affecting only seeding in the Mountain West Conference Tournament (not that one side of that bracket is going to be tougher than the other). It probably was already, but the MWC is officially a 1-bid league; a purifying corpse befouling the college hoops landscape, and we are doing absolutely nothing to mitigate the stench.
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Fortunately, we had D.J. to distract us. On December 15, I wrote this career retrospective.
I think there’s something about D.J. that speaks to us as San Diego State fans. He’s been overlooked and dismissed by the Lords of College Football because of his size, his accomplishments minimized by the national press every step of the way. All fans of this program – all graduates of our beloved State school – know the feeling well.
Then, on December 17, we watched a hell of a thing. I tried to put it into words.
San Diego State had a moment to shine in the national spotlight today. It responded by shrugging off an early gut punch to blast one of the most hyped college football teams of 2016 into the stratosphere.
Oh, and the best Aztec football player in a generation broke a hallowed record and got drooled over on national network television. That happened too.
It was all enough to make me wonder:
What if everything we thought we knew about being an SDSU fan was wrong?
On December 21, we were still on Cloud 9. Fortunately, we had AttemptedChem on the scene … and on the field.
Celebrating on the field afterward was surreal. Unlike Chase Tapley and and Jamaal Franklin, who got used to being mobbed after cutting down nets, the Aztec football team is still a little new to this. They don’t know they’re allowed to say “no” occasionally when they get a thousand consecutive selfie requests. But the Mountain West Azor Ahai #LordJohnofHouseBaronSecondofhisName will always make time for the people of his realm.
Seems like as good an ending as any.
Be better generally, 2017. If, however, you’re another Aztecs sports year like 2016, we’ll be pretty cool with it.
KABEER THIRTY 