Aztecs win ugly, look much better in alternate realities

Please clap for an indefinite period of time

Science, religion and philosophy contemplate the nature of our universe. Whether dogmatic or pragmatic, wherever you the reader fall on the spectrum of What is reality and Why are we here, we can objectively agree on this: The San Diego State men’s basketball team shot 28.8 percent in a Division I game and still won by 13 points, beating Air Force 51-38 at Viejas Arena. It is settled fact that the Falcons have lost 22 straight conference road games.

Rational empiricism leads one to conclude that even by Mountain West standards – even by 2016-17 Aztecs standards – this was an ugly game. The score was 0-0 after four minutes of play. SDSU’s first points came with 13:45 left in the first half, at which point the few remaining diehards in the crowd gratefully stopped standing and rhythmically clapping for the home team’s first score.

Maybe it was Senior Night’s fault, with Coach Fisher starting usual bench players Matt Shrigley and D’Erryl Williams. The good news is the VCU-Dayton game ran long, so CBS Sports Network viewers were not subjected to the first few minutes of bad basketball. Of which there was much more to come.

Unfair to single him out perhaps, but Jeremy Hemsley’s night was really bad among the also not-good. His game log:

First half
SUB IN 16:08
MISS 3PTR 15:22
MISS 3PTR 14:31
FOUL 13:56
FOUL 10:07
SUB OUT 10:07

Second half
SUB IN 20:00
MISS 3PTR 19:48
GOOD FT 13:23
MISS FT 13:23
SUB OUT 11:31

That’s it. One point on 0-6 shooting from the field, with three rebounds and no assists. Coach Fisher had seen enough of that shit and sat Hemsley for the last 11-plus minutes of the game.

Montaque Gill-Caesar returned after missing a few games with a tweaked knee and was accordingly rusty.

Zylan Cheatham had a solid game. Malik Pope led all scorers with 11 points, despite shooting 3 for 9 (1-5 from 3PT). Max Hoetzel went 1 for 4 (0-3 from 3PT), jacking up off-balance threes and generally making Indiana look smart for letting him walk.

Broadening one’s perspective can make these mundane statistical details seem rather trivial. A growing body of science has become amenable to the likelihood of multiverses, or parallel universes. Deriving from string theory, the concept of parallel universes across multiple dimensions is an elegant idea. Multiple or even infinite universes may exist, with every possible permutation of your life and everything else happening simultaneously. In one of those universes the Aztecs are leading the Big West conference and cruising to an NCAA berth, beating up the likes of CSUN and UC Riverside in a bus league instead of hopping flights to play conference rivals in Laramie and Logan.

Then again, perhaps the universe is just a computer simulation in some vastly intelligent species’ hard drive. It sounds more far-fetched than it may be: renowned astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson puts the odds at 50-50 that this theory explains our reality. The concept is not necessarily in conflict with the multiverse theory and could explain San Diego State athletics. Instead of a fickle God or gods being to blame for the San Diego curse, it’s just random outcomes of an algorithm writ by a cosmic programmer. To rats in a maze the experimenter is God, even if they don’t perceive the experiment.

Next game
SDSU concludes its regular season at The Pit versus the hated New Mexico Lobos, Saturday at 7:00 PM on CBS Sports Network. If the Aztecs win they clinch the 5 seed and a bye into the 2nd round of the MW tournament; lose and they have to win four games in four days for the championship. Which universe are we in? Stay tuned.



Author: lemonverbena

Californian/Washingtonian, co-editor of Kabeer Thirty.


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