I pride myself in knowing our readership. As such, I can say one thing for certain: Y’all a bunch of degenerate gamblers. Well, in the spirit of giving the unwashed masses what they want, I’ve set over/unders related to individual and team performances for the 2017 football squad.
If you would like to place actual wagers on these, please meet me in the alley behind the South Campus Plaza Trader Joe’s on Friday at 4 p.m. No cops.
Rashaad Penny: Rushing yards
In tenderizing defenses to the tune of 7.5 yards per carry as a backup last season, Rashaad Penny did not nickel or dime his way to 1,000 yards. You get a cents that change in the SDSU backfield will not make the Aztecs’ rushing attack any less wealthy. Also did you know that the surname Penny is also a word for a common monetary unit? I am the first person to make this observation because I am very clever.
OK, enough of that. Penny is about to go apeshit in his senior season. The question is: How apeshit? He’ll likely get twice as many carries as he did in 2016, but the line blocking for him is mostly untested. Starting tailbacks in the Rocky Long era have averaged 1,677 yards rushing. My guess is Penny tops that with room to spare.
Over/Under: 1,999 1/2 yards
Chris Laviano: Passing Yards
Chris Laviano may be third on the depth chart, but this rocket-armed stud is bound to supplant Christian Chapman any day now. I mean, he was a starter at a glamour program in the BIG! New York City’s college football team, folks! Also, his fourth down spike was not a blunder, but in fact four dimensional chess you are to stupid to understand. Nothing will stand in his way, and he will definitely not quit unexpectedly to go play lacrosse. Over/Under: 4,499 1/2 Passing Yards
Christian Chapman: Passing Yards
Poor, maligned Christian Chapman. Despite the fact that he is already the first San Diego State QB since the PCAA days to win two conference titles, the junior still gets the dreaded “game manager” label. In this run-first offense it’s understandable; Chapman only averaged about 18 attempts per game last year and threw for 1,994 total yards. But he was damn effective when he did throw, completing 61 percent of his passes and compiling a stellar 20-6 touchdown to interception ratio.
Might more experience and the emergence of big target frosh wideouts Tim Wilson and Isiah Macklin give SDSU more balance and Chapman a greater role in the offense?
Over/Under: 2,499 1/2 yards
Mikah Holder: Receiving yards
According to the depth chart, wide receive Mikah Holder is not a starter. Yeah, I don’t really believe the depth chart. The senior was the Aztecs’ go-to receiver by yardage each of the past two seasons and I don’t see him giving way to a freshman. Holder is dependable, and with more big-play threats in the passing game necessitating attention elsewhere, his numbers could improve.
Over/Under: 649 1/2 yards
SDSU pass defense: Interceptions
The Aztecs picked off 26 passes last season, though I would expect that to drop because A) ballhawk corner Damontae Kazee is now an Atlanta Falcon and B) 26 interceptions is mad crazy. But the secondary still looks good, with ex-safety Kameron Kelly (4 INTs) and pick-six machine Ron Smith (3 INTs) manning the corners.
Over/Under: 19 1/2 interceptions
SDSU team defense: Points allowed per game
Last season, the Aztecs allowed 20.2 points per game, though that number was skewed by allowing 87* points to Colorado State in the rain-soaked regular season finale. And this year, we have multiple Lakalakas!
Over/Under: 18 1/2 points
Rocky Long: Fucks given
In past seasons, Rocky Long has: Insulted Boise State’s stupid blue field, stopped kicking field goals and PATs, called nonconference games not very important, called bowl games basically meaningless, gone for game-winning two point conversions twice and found a spoiler at the junk yard for his 1986 Pontiac Fiero**. He has yet to give a single fuck to date, though I suppose it’s conceivable he might start. Who knows? Anything is possible.
Over/Under: 1/2 fucks
**This is an baseless assumption but I stand by it.