Heat-related opening week Mountain West roundup

What could be more San Diego than a blazing September afternoon at STADIUM with 46,132 sweaty friends! I ask you. Those thousands of hardy souls braved great expanses of sizzling asphalt for the SDSU football season opener on the hottest day of the year. Some other indeterminate number of fans watched on…line. Other than the Aztecs game, probably not many of us saw much if any other Mountain West action because why on earth would you do such a thing? Our conference is bad! But we need to keep tabs on these chumps so let’s take a cursory glance at scores from around the league.

Scorelines via CBSSports.com

Iowa 24, Wyoming 3
WYO got rolled in front of like 80,000 bloodthirsty Hawkeye fans (68,075). Hyped QB and notably tall person Josh Allen threw for 174 yards with two 4th-quarter picks.

Oh he missed it out of his hand and then he
he bobbled it out his hand and then he tried to kick it anyway
and that’s just

not good.

Air Force 62, VMI 0
AF waxed tiny Virginia Military Institute, enrollment 1,653. That’s like the Aztecs beating San Diego Christian in football. The Falcs put up 643 yards and nine offensive touchdowns while 37,286 sadists cheered in Colorado Springs.

Northwestern 31, Nevada-Reno 20
The Wolve Pack led in the 4th quarter before succumbing to the Wildcats to the delight of 33,018 souls in Evanston, Illinois, i.e. Chicago. Northwestern is an actual Big Ten school that went to a bowl last year. Tough draw for Nevada and their new head coach whomever that may be.

Boise State 24, Troy 14
The Broncos unconvincingly took care of business in their opener over Sun Belt school Troy University. “You will not defeat our mean horse with a glass eye,” cried 31,581 Boiseans as the visiting Trojans battled gamely but futilely on the sickening blue turf.

San José State 34, Cal Poly SLO 14
A foolhardy 10,667 intercollegiate football fans attempted survival at San Jose’s CEFCU Stadium (capacity 30,456) where it was an insane 108 degrees at kickoff. SJSU did at least let fans sit in the shady areas and gave them cool towels to drape around their necks. The towels were a beta test for a Silicon Valley startup and will retail for $350 per unit.

New Mexico 38, ABIL 14
21,475 Albuquerquedors saw the Lobos win their opener despite an underwhelming 14-7 halftime lead. Abilene Christian (enrollment 4,427) will take the paycheck, amen.

San Diego State 38, UC Davis 17
Our beloved Tecs strolled to an easy win over their paycheck opponent in the season opener. I found the performance slightly more encouraging than did our co-editor, who was positively whelmed in his game recap. Some notes from the shady part of Plaza level:

– Christian Chapman has an arm and can hit the window when he has all day to throw. SDSU has lots of big targets. If the young offensive line keeps Chapman that clean against real opponents, he can do work.

– Penny will rush for 300 against somebody this year. 💯 💯 💯

– The defense looks like a good ball-hawking Rocky Long defense again, with the possible exception of their old bugaboo, the deep ball. Starters were solid but the two Davis touchdowns in garbage time against the 2s and 3s were too easy.

State was up 35 in the 4th quarter, and it would be way cooler to put up a number like 38-3 for the sake of poll voters who won’t see anything but the final score because the game was on fucking face book and there are literally no available highlights.

– This turned out to not be recalled correctly (UC Davis had four kickoff returns) but my brain was melting, it felt true at the time and I stand by it. Hail Lord John Baron of Temecula, Second of His Name.

Howard 43, UNLV 40
lolololololololololololololololol

LOL

Nevada Southern was favored by -45, making this the largest point spread upset in college football history. It’s also great because an HBCU from D.C. beat The Rebs, and because UNLV paid them $600,000 for the trouble*. Howard went 2-9 in 2016 and 1-10 the year before that, but UNLV was 4-8 last year and Howard University has been playing football since 1893. This is much less the biggest upset ever than the most poorly-set betting line in college football ever.

A mere 15,667 at Sam Boyd Stadium (capacity 40,000) saw Cam Newton’s little bro Caylin score the go-ahead touchdown with 7:43 left and UNLV couldn’t manage a tying field goal in that time.

*SDSU paid Cal Poly to come to San Diego and beat us twice, among other mockable losses, so let’s not get too carried away.

Fresno State 66, Incarnate Word 0

Fresno christened the Jeff Tedford era by doubling up the -33 line on the Word of God, INCARNATE WORD, a university that apparently exists and plays football (they’ve been D-I since 2012 and first fielded a football team in 2008). I was previously oblivious to the Word and kept thinking about it on game day, but variously as Inchoate Word or Immaculate Word.

39,447 human persons came to Bulldog Stadium (capacity 43,560) in the godforsaken San Joaquin Valley to watch their unrepentant team of sinners hold the Lord’s own servants on earth to -7 yards rushing.

Hawai’i 41, WCAR 18
Are the Rainbows … good? I mean, I love Hawai’i but they’re in our division now, so don’t be actually good again and make me root against you, Hawai’i. Aloha Stadium welcomed 25,472 to the ‘Bows home opener, where locals and haoles were stoked to see Meffy Koloamatangi block two field goals, one returned for an 89-yard TD. At least Western Carolina got paid to go to Honolulu and play football.

So due to MW incompetence technical difficulties, even many UH fans may not know how good their team is.

Colorado 17, Colorado State 3 (Friday)
Nominal Pac-12 team beats mildly hyped Mountain West team, restoring order to a chaotic universe. The Buffs led the Rams 17-3 at halftime and that was your ballgame. 73,932 crowded into Denver’s NFL stadium for a Rocky Mountain Showdown that devolved into a Pac-favored whistle fest.

#9 Wisconsin 59, Utah State 10 (Friday)
The Aggies somehow held a 10-0 lead in the 2nd quarter at Madison before the Badgers woke up and broke off 59 unanswered points. The announced attendance of 75,324 is a real number because those people definitely don’t have anything better to do.

Colorado State 58, Oregon State 27 (August 26)
The Rams wrecked the Beavers in “Week 0” at CSU’s new stadium, where an inaugural crowd of 37,583 Fort Collinsers enjoyed the big win over a lowly Pac opponent. This result got the CSU hype train going. Good thing they didn’t beat Colorado too or we might have something to worry about.

Hawai’i 38, UMass 35 (August 26)
Seriously though are the ‘Bows (2-0) good?

#19 South Florida 42, SJSU 22 (August 26)
Cal State San José is not good.

Other notable results:

California 35, North Carolina 30

UCLA 45, Texas A&M 44 (Sunday)

NEXT WEEK in the Mountain West:

San Diego State visits Tempe while the rest of these bozos start getting their heads proper kicked in. Games:

Idaho State at Utah State (Thursday) – Zzzzzz
Fresno State at #1 Alabama – Hoo boy. Line is Bama -44.
San JosĂ© State at #23 Texas – LOL
Abilene Christian at Colorado State – Abilene cashes another check, amen.
Gardner-Webb at Wyoming – No idea what Gardner-Webb is, but they lost 45-3 to North Carolina A&T in their opener so I like WYO’s chances in this one.
Hawai’i at UCLA – Now if UH somehow beats the Bruins at the Rose Bowl we’ll really have something. That ain’t happening. UCLA -22.5.
UNLV at Idaho – The Vandals are dropping out of D-I after this season but they’re still -4.5 favorites over the humiliated Rebs.
Toledo at Nevada – “I shot a man in Reno / just so he didn’t have to go to the Toledo-UNR game.”
New Mexico State at New Mexico – In-state blood feud! Leave it all on the field fellas.
Boise State at #24 Washington State – The Boringest Places in the PNW Derby. WSU is ranked, so Boise gets a jump on vote-collecting if they can land a dub in Pullman.
San Diego State at Arizona State – Beat the Devils!! Kickoff is 8:00 PM on Pac-12 network, which is presumably to blame for that crazy start time. ASU -4.5.

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Author: lemonverbena

Californian/Washingtonian, co-editor of Kabeer Thirty.

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