One of the best things about having Rocky Long coach of your favorite football team (besides, you know, the winning) is how meme-worthy he is. Rocky has a colorful, unconventional personality, as was on display in his incredible postgame comments about The Blackout.
My blog cohorts and me are gleeful purveyors of these dankest of dank memes. For example:
- Rocky Long believes in nothing.
- Rocky Long is a grizzled survivalist.
- Rocky Long owns several classic cars, some of which are not on blocks
These are all very good, mostly because they seem to contain kernels of truth gleaned from Long’s public persona. But the best Rocky Long meme out there is one this humble blog cannot take credit for. It’s this:
Rocky Long hates America.
If you’re unfamiliar, this has nothing to do with any kooky secessionist leanings, nor does it imply he has been cultivated as a North Korean mole. This is in reference to the fact that since arriving at San Diego State as Brady Hoke’s defensive coordinator in 2009, Long has outright abused the plucky cadets of our nation’s service academies.
It’s true! Rocky has compiled a 9-2 combined record against Air Force, Army and Navy. That includes a 5-0 record as a head coach against Troy Calhoun and Air Force, Saturday’s opponent in our terrifying post-signature-win trap game of doom.
It doesn’t take a master football tactician to understand why. The academies run the triple option, which relies on speed, discipline and misdirection over brute force. Long runs his patented defense, the 3-3-5, which relies on speed, discipline and misdirection over brute force. To stay with the meme theme, it’s like that two Spidermans thing, only instead of pointing at each other, one of the Spidermen is bludgeoning the other one with a tire iron.
So what does hating America, Rocky Long style, look like?
Yowza.
Rocky’s defense has allowed academy option attacks to score just 18 points per game (and never more than 27), and has kept them below their season rushing averages by about 50 yards per game. Drag this man in front of HUAC, immediately.
I suppose my point is that, while the oddsmakers clearly see this as a trap game for team coming off an emotional win for the ages, history shows the Aztecs with a real edge – if they can shake off the celebratory hangover and avoid stupid turnovers and all the usual cliche football stuff that applies for literally every game.
So there you have it. Be honest: Doesn’t this make you feel at least a little less nervous about Saturday?
Yeah, me either. Pass the delicious commie traitor vodka.
KABEER THIRTY 