AZTECS ALUMNI REPORT: The Golden State Warriors are history’s greatest monsters

The Golden State Warriors want me dead. They tried to kill me through mind-numblingly inept and boring basketball when I was teenager in the Bay Area in the 1990s. Fortunately, I managed to survive those bleak years of Donyell Marshall and Todd Fuller by developing a lifelong apathy toward the NBA.

Naturally, now that I’ve been shaken from my apathy by a San Diego State alumnus achieving superstar status, the Warriors are coming for my ass again.

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Zylan Cheatham to transfer

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More like Zylan Leave-um, amirite?

Hey, happy Good Friday everyone! Let’s check in with Aztecs Twitter on this solemn holiday to see if anything’s goin’ on.

zylan

Oh sweet Jesus.

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So you wasted your Wednesday night

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Here are a few things you could have been watching at 8 p.m. on Wednesday night instead of the San Diego State men’s basketball team’s 63-55 home loss to Fresno State.

ABC: The Goldbergs
“So Swayze It’s Crazy”

After Adam sees his friend on television, he asks Beverly for her help to become an actor, so Beverly enlists his friend’s mom Edie, who is a kid talent agent in town. Unfortunately, Edie insists Adam can only get “nerd” roles, so Beverly goes on a quest to make Adam a teenage heartthrob. Meanwhile, Barry decides to embrace the punk lifestyle, and Murray attempts to become more involved in Erica’s life, but it backfires.

This definitely does not seem like a television show that traffics in cheap stereotypes, no sir. Let’s see, what else?

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BREAKING: Group of Five officials might be dumb as hell

Welcome back from the holiday break! Did you get all the presents you asked for? No?

Well, just in case you’re bummed that you didn’t find a shiny new GARBAGE IDEA in your stocking, today’s college football rumor mill has you covered:

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

Oh my god.

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